


Cheating the System

by orphan_account



Category: Euphoria (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/F, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Humor, Jealousy, Mutual Pining, Pining, Sexual Tension, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-18
Updated: 2020-03-31
Packaged: 2021-02-08 09:04:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21473488
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: “It all makes sense now. We live together, we’ve been off at college - no one knows what we’ve been doing. You’re gay, I’m gay.” Rue gestures between them rapidly, already forming some kind of plan that Lexi isn’t sure she likes. “We can just say we’re dating. It’s genius. I’m a genius - a total motherfucking genius.”Lexi blinks at her.
Relationships: Rue Bennett/Lexi Howard
Comments: 42
Kudos: 341





	1. Oh, What A Bad Plan

**Author's Note:**

> Me? Not writing anything for a month and then randomly appearing? Never...
> 
> Based loosely off of this tweet: https://twitter.com/mylittlefaith/status/1182766297903443968?s=21

Lexi drags the flat iron through Rue’s hair one last time before setting it down on the dresser.

“All done?” Rue asks, peering at herself in the mirror.

“All done.” She says, releasing the final, dark strand. Lexi isn’t too sure if she likes the finished product, but it isn’t her hair, so she shuts up and stays quiet as she packs the rest of the hair supplies away.

Eventually, Lexi looks up to inspect her work. Something about the change in Rue’s appearance leaves a bad taste in her mouth. She figures that it’s not actually the hair that makes her feel uneasy, because she’s seen Rue with straight hair a handful of times - at high school graduation, that one play, and a dinner party - and been unaffected by it. It must be everything else. The way Rue looks at her reflection uncertainly, her fingers twisting in odd, anxious patterns in front of her, is deeply unsettling. 

Sure, Rue has always carried around a ball of anxiety with her wherever she goes, but college has calmed her down somewhat. There’s less to worry about here. No Nate Jacobs breathing down her neck, no angry drug dealers or social workers on her front porch. Rue is relatively mellow most of the time, except for the panic attacks that are a lot less frequent now.

Lexi blames their hometown. Going back for the holidays feels like willingly stepping into a hurricane, even for Lexi. Nothing was ever truly good there. It doesn’t help that almost everyone they knew in high school is returning for Thanksgiving break as well. Knowing that they’re going to see both the town and its old faces must make Rue want to enter a downward spiral.

Noticing the tense position of Rue’s shoulders, Lexi reaches out and rests her hand on one of them. Her thumb brushes against the side of Rue’s neck and she jumps as if she had forgotten Lexi’s presence completely. 

“Do you think she’ll like it?” Rue asks, curling a strand around her finger a little self-consciously. Lexi goes rigid with jealousy. She guesses that Rue probably means her mom, but Rue refuses to make eye contact in the mirror and her cheeks are suddenly so bright that Lexi guesses Rue is still fishing for Jules’ approval. “The last time I saw her I… I had it like this.”

Lexi’s grip tightens without her realizing it. It’s been so long that she can’t remember whether or not Rue’s hair was straight when she last saw Jules. Lexi hadn’t jotted it down or anything because it seemed like an unimportant detail at the time, but now it feels as if it means the world.

“Yeah. I think she’ll like it.” Lexi removes her hold on Rue’s shoulder, discreetly shakes her hand out and wipes her sweaty palm on her thigh. 

She has no right to jealousy and she’s known that for awhile. If she wanted to be with Rue she should have done it years ago, should have confessed as soon as they kissed that she was more excited about practicing for the dance than actually going to it. 

Lexi crawls onto her bed and pulls herself into a ball. It’s not particularly comfortable, but she doesn’t want to turn her back to Rue and the rest of the bed is covered in their bags. Rue’s bed, on the other side of the room, is clear for once. The only thing on it is her drool-stained pillow, which Lexi refuses to touch.

“When’s the flight again?” Rue spins in her chair to face Lexi.

Despite this being the third time she’s asked, Lexi leans over and tugs their tickets out of a compartment on her bag and checks again.

“Seven.” Lexi replies. “We have an hour.”

“Okay.” Rue rises from the chair and immediately walks to one side of the room, only to sigh and start her trudge to the other. 

Lexi observes the pacing silently. She watches Rue’s lips twitch and her hands fiddle as she goes, and wonders what Rue is going to say next. 

“I wonder what everyone else has been doing for the last two years.” Rue blurts out finally. She’s like a fly trapped in a bottle, zooming from one spot to the next in the blink of an eye. Before Lexi knows it, Rue is standing near the nightstand with her phone in her hands. “I’m just going to check Instagram.”

“Rue, no.” Lexi gets up. 

Their rule is simple: Rue isn’t allowed to follow Jules on social media, so no stalking will ensue.

Lexi tries to grab the phone, but Rue holds it away from her with her annoyingly long arms. Lexi gets a look at the screen though and sees Jules’ profile already brought up. This only makes Lexi fight harder to get the device, and once she does she flops onto the bed and immediately tries to escape.

Rue is surprisingly quick these days. She gets on top of Lexi and has her pinned at the hips in a matter of seconds. Rue snatched the phone back.

“I’m just taking a peek.” She says innocently.

“Liar.” Lexi huffs, too breathless to form a better response. She recovers quickly from the brief bit of exercise, but recovering from the feeling of Rue is much harder. 

Her body goes slack under Rue’s and then tenses when Rue shifts a little, her hips grinding down in one completely unintentional motion. Lexi’s breath catches in her throat and her heartbeat - the world’s worst traitor - speeds up. Sometimes she thinks that just being near Rue will kill her, but this is so much worse. Feeling the full weight of her makes warmth spread throughout her body, electric shocks running up her arms even as she tries to fight them.

Once she manages to calm down enough, Lexi looks up at Rue’s face. It’s not anxious anymore. There’s an obvious frown, like someone has just slapped her.

Lexi gently pushes Rue off of her, complaining half-heartedly. “You’re so heavy.”

Rue gets up without protesting, eyes glued to her phone. Lexi fears the worst. 

“What’s up?” She asks nervously. 

In response, Rue tosses the phone towards Lexi. She catches it and looks at the post Rue had clicked on. It’s of Jules, splayed out on the beach and looking admittedly fantastic in a little purple bikini. The bad part about the photo is the man wrapped her. He’s big and bulky, ruggedly handsome in the way that turns Lexi off but fits nicely with Jules. His lips are at her cheek while Jules smiles at the camera, her hand in the air to proudly show the engagement ring on it. 

Lexi looks up, suddenly understanding Rue’s predicament.

“Great. This is just great.” Rue isn’t pacing anymore, but Lexi suddenly wishes she was. Instead, Rue is standing there and buzzing in place, unable to keep herself still. “I haven’t dated anyone in years.”

It would be easier to calm Rue down if this wasn’t true. Rue has been pretty busy and almost every girl she’s tried to date has taken one look at her friendship with Lexi (how Lexi is so obviously pining and how Rue puts Lexi first when it comes to any random girl) and fled. The result is a bunch of hook-ups, but nothing that lasts very long. 

“How am I supposed to get a girlfriend in an hour?” Rue asks, mostly to herself. 

Lexi picks at a loose string on her sleeve while she thinks, until she feels Rue’s eyes on her again and realizes that she’s being stared at. 

“What?” She questions very slowly, not liking the intense way Rue is looking at her. “Why are you staring at me like that?”

“It all makes sense now. We live together, we’ve been off at college - no one knows what we’ve been doing. You’re gay, I’m gay.” Rue gestures between them rapidly, already forming some kind of plan that Lexi isn’t sure she likes. “We can just say we’re dating. It’s genius. I’m a genius - a total motherfucking genius.”

Lexi blinks at her.

“...No.”

“No?” Rue asks, confused.

Lexi doesn’t want to say that she doesn’t trust herself to be so close to Rue and still keep her composure. Sure, they live together and sometimes after a party they’ll end up sharing the same bed, but just to cuddle. Fake dating implies kissing and constant hand-holding. It means Lexi will have to stand there and look on as Rue pines after Jules, all while staying quiet and plastering a smile on her face.

That sounds like torture, and going back for the break is already bad enough.

“Why not?” Rue joins her on the bed again, sitting close enough with such a sad look on her face that Lexi has to glance away.

“I don’t know.” She lies. “It would be… weird.”

Rue clasps her hands over Lexi’s and tugs gently so Lexi will look her in the eye. Lexi nearly caves right then and there, seeing the little pout on Rue’s lips and the softness of her eyes. She’s so whipped. 

Rue tilts her head, sticking her bottom lip out further in a shameless attempt to persuade Lexi. “Come on, Lex. Please?”

When Rue leans over and presses her lips to Lexi’s cheek at the airport, Lexi’s heart nearly jumps right out of her chest. 

“What are you doing?” She asks. Her skin feels warm and fuzzy where Rue’s lips touched. Lexi has to fight the urge to dramatically wipe the little kiss away, not liking how that feeling lingers and then spreads down to her jaw. She’s pathetic, honestly.

To make matters worse, Rue goes ahead and grabs Lexi’s hand without warning. Lexi looks around to see if anyone they know is also waiting to board the plane. It’s not uncommon for Rue to grab her hand every once in awhile, but the cheek kissing is rare. 

“I thought we should practice being a couple.” Rue explains and hesitates for a second before curling up next to Lexi, stretching her long legs across Lexi’s lap. “We have to get some things straight before we get there - no pun intended.”

Lexi rolls her eyes at Rue’s gay joke - she’s in love with an idiot.

“Okay, like what?”

“Like how we started dating, who asked who out, how long we’ve been in a relationship.” Rue explains.

Lexi absentmindedly rubs circles along Rue’s lower thigh while she thinks it over. It’s weird, she’s imagined finally dating Rue for years, but now her mind is blanking. She always imagined kissing in the rain or showing up at the door with a thousand red roses, but all of that seems too embarrassing to voice at this point.

“Well, I think I’d ask you out. You’re a bit of an emotional bottom.” Lexi decides finally, adding the last part mostly just to irritate Rue. 

Rue frowns. “I’m not a bottom at all.” 

“We could say we went out on Valentine's Day and have been dating since then.” Lexi continues, ignoring Rue’s comment. “That’s both realistic and romantic.”

“Okay. That works.” She agrees.

Lexi expects Rue to move away at some point - discussion and practice over - but she stays there, snug as ever. It’s almost unfair how cute Rue looks in her baggy sweats. Maybe Lexi is just weak for all of Rue’s attire, but her body feels light and her heart warm from the sight of Rue as she shuts her eyes and lulls into what is going to have to be a short nap.

The plane is boarding soon, but Lexi doesn’t have the heart to mention it to Rue. She’ll say something when they actually have to get up, but for now she stays silent and holds Rue tighter.

“Night, babe.” Rue mumbles teasingly, even though it’s early in the morning. Lexi has to stop herself from squirming at the pet name.

“Night.” She replies, equally as quiet.

What has she gotten herself into?

The flight is uneventful. Rue puts her seat back as far as it will go and covers herself with a blanket in the first five minutes, and then proves, once again, that she can fall asleep seemingly anywhere. Lexi, on the other hand, doesn’t get any sleep at all. She’s too nervous about this last minute plan to relax. Even if she were able to calm down, the plane is still too uncomfortable for her to fall asleep in. She ends up renting a cheap horror movie and watching it on replay, letting the blood and violence distract her from her life.

Rue wakes up near the end of the flight when a stewardess comes along to tell her to set her chair upright. She complies and then stretches, yawning in a way that Lexi could only describe as kitten-like. It’s incredibly cute and Lexi finds herself staring, absolutely enamored with Rue as she blinks herself awake.

“Hi.” Rue says softly. She squints, letting her eyes adjust to the light. 

“Hey.” Lexi responds, causing Rue to grin once she realizes where she is.

It takes a minute for them to land and then some more time for it to finally be their turn to leave the plane, but they get out without a fuss. Rue’s smile has dropped by the time they’re in the airport and her hold on Lexi’s hand (for practice, Rue had told her again, reminding Lexi of when they kissed that one time with the same intention) is more of a deathgrip than a sign of love. 

Lexi can practically feel Rue’s anxiety coming off of her in strong waves. That may be because every couple minutes Rue will squeeze a little tighter than before, shoulders tense as they walk to baggage claim.

“It’s gonna be fine.” Lexi reassures her. It feels like the right thing to say, but also sounds very dumb coming from her. 

She thinks that she could be panicking more than Rue, just less obviously. Rue wears her distress on her sleeve while Lexi keeps hers locked up until it explodes out of her. She’s less like a volcano and more like an empty plastic bottle that has to be twisted and twisted until eventually the cap pops off and flies through the air. 

Even though they’re both anxious dumbasses, they still hold each other’s sweaty hands all the way to baggage claim, until they see the bags aren’t coming yet and Rue says she wants coffee. They end up in the line for Starbucks because there’s nowhere else to go. Lexi is looking through her wallet for cash while Rue bounces up and down silently, looking as if she had already inhaled every bit of caffeine in the place.

“Rue.” Lexi says, sliding her wallet back into her purse and sticking the twenty dollar bill in the corner of her mouth as she adjusts her clothes (unsanitary, she knows, but she can wash her mouth later). “Try to breathe, okay? You’re practically vibrating.” 

“I’m just a little nervous.” Rue brushes her off, but reaches over and grabs Lexi’s hand again as they move up in the line.

It’s less tight of a hold this time, less forced. Rue is holding her hand just because she wants to, not because someone from their old school might show up and stumble upon them. It’s totally platonic, but Lexi’s body burns with undeserved satisfaction anyways.

“Can I have a tall black coffee, please?” Lexi asks, once they’re at the counter. She glances over at Rue and decides to order for her, knowing how tongue-tied Rue gets around strangers. “And a vanilla frappuccino for this one, extra whip cream.”

Lexi nudges Rue’s arm and smiles fondly at her. She can’t help it. Rue has had the same Starbucks order since forever. It’s always just sugar on top of sugar. 

Rue nods at her gratefully. Social anxiety is a bitch.

The lady behind the register looks at them for a moment. Her eyes slide from Lexi’s dopey smile to Rue’s little blush and then down to their joined hands before coming back to make eye contact.

“You two are cute.” She says simply, before stepping away to go make their drinks.

“See?” Lexi whispers once no one else can hear them. “Things are going to be fine. We totally pass as a couple.” 

“Oh yeah, Ross and Rachel are shaking in their boots.” Rue replies. Lexi knows that Rue is mostly joking, but she beams at her anyways. The thought of Rue agreeing that they’d make a cute couple has Lexi on Cloud 9. 

After they get their drinks, they start to walk back to baggage claim. Lexi drinks her normal coffee and Rue somehow sucks down a shit ton of sugar without getting a single cavity.

“How do you stomach that?” Rue asks, gesturing towards Lexi’s plain beverage.

“How do you stomach that?” Lexi returns, doing the same.

In response, Rue holds out her cup to Lexi. Lexi swore off of sugary drinks like that a while ago because they make her stomach hurt, but it’s Rue who’s offering (Rue, who holds it out with a gentle smile and eyes so cheery that they might belong to a child) so she accepts. She’s weak, and she knows that she’s going to have stomach problems later, but Rue’s pleased smile is worth it.

“Like that?” Rue asks. 

Surprisingly, she does. Not that she’s going to tell Rue that. 

Lexi shrugs. “It’s okay.”

Rue rolls her eyes and playfully bumps her shoulder into Lexi’s. It’s a nice moment between them. Call it the calm before the storm.

Rue’s mom arrives a bit late, just after Rue and Lexi have gotten all of their bags. Ms. Bennett looks at their hands almost immediately, not being able to wipe the slight confusion off of her face while approaching them. Both Rue and Lexi tense up, knowing that they can let go and forget the plan right here and now. They don’t have to do this - Rue doesn’t have to lie. 

Neither of them back off, though. In fact, Rue grips Lexi’s hand tighter, takes a deep breath, and forces her body into a relaxed position.

Lexi tries to look as casual as possible. “Well, it’s now or never.


	2. Let A Kiss Be Just A Kiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My dumbass yesterday: ...wait, I published this 2 months ago???

Surprisingly, the worst part of the plan comes later in the day.

Rue’s mom pesters them with questions the whole drive back, not letting them even get a chance to breathe. Rue and Lexi sit in the back of the car with their hands clasped, and together they form a perfect cover-up. Lying comes easy between the two of them, as Lexi expected it to - they are best friends, after all. Sometimes it seems like they’re sharing a single brain cell, which is good in this situation because all Lexi has to do is look at Rue to decide whether she’s going to zig or zag.

So, the car ride is bad, but it’s definitely not the worst part. Not when they work so well together. The problem might actually be that they work well together, because eventually they get to Rue’s house (unscathed) and while they unpack their bags, Lexi gets to thinking that all of this may be too easy.

They take the bags out of the back one by one, but after about a minute Ms. Bennett gives up and goes inside for lemonade, so Rue and Lexi are alone. Well, they’re being watched by Ms. Bennett through the window, but she can’t hear anything they’re saying. They keep up the ruse, smiling at each other unnecessarily and occasionally stopping to touch each other in some way, but to Lexi it already doesn’t feel like a ruse.

“Need help?” Rue asks, pointing towards one of the bags Lexi is about to pick up.

“It’s fine.” Lexi responds. “This isn’t even that heavy. Plus, I’m stronger than you.”

She’s just teasing - she likes to get a rise out of Rue sometimes, likes to see the little frustrated look on her face before it evens out into a borderline mischievous smile - but Rue scoffs dramatically anyways.

“No, you’re not.” Rue says, looking as if she’s about to take off her shirt to flex right then and there.

Lexi wouldn’t mind that at all, but they are outside and Rue’s mom is watching, so the smart thing to do would be to admit she’s weaker and go inside. Except she’s stubborn and she kind of likes how Rue steps towards her, the challenge clear on her face. And okay, maybe it’s a little hot when Rue gets competitive.

“Yes I am.”

Which is how Lexi ends up getting carried over the threshold into the Bennett house against her will, curled up in Rue’s (weirdly strong) arms. She complains the whole time - but really it isn’t so bad, it’s just that Rue carrying her over a threshold takes her mind places that it definitely shouldn’t be - until Rue starts to laugh and drops her on the couch, nearly making them both fall on the floor.

They dissolve into a puddle of laughter, melting together like two pieces of chocolate clumped in a child’s chubby hand. Lexi leans into Rue on instinct, her head at Rue’s collarbone, and Rue barely thinks before she puts her arms around Lexi in response. As Lexi lays there, still giggling shamelessly into the curve of Rue’s body and feeling Rue gently shake all around her with laughter, she thinks that this is it.

This is the worst part of it all.

The affection, the laughter. The aching feeling in her chest. The wanting - wanting for something she can’t have, wanting for something she should have given up on years ago. It plants itself deep in her chest and curls in there, builds a cage around her heart and throws away the key.

Lexi feels the ache so much that her smile fades away (and she just lets it, doesn’t fight it as she usually would because no one can see her, anyways) and the back of her eyes sting like she might suddenly burst into tears. She presses her face closer into Rue’s body, willing the feeling to go away. Rue is too caught up in the hug and the nearing end of her laughter to notice, but her arms tighten around Lexi like she just knows something is wrong.

And that’s what hurts. Rue knows her, inside and out. Rue knows her without even having to think about knowing her, it just comes about as naturally as taking a step. It could be so easy with them. So easy, for Lexi to tilt her head up and kiss her right there - end of story, close the novel, roll credits.

But she doesn’t.

(_I love your laugh,_ Lexi wants to say, _it makes me want to kiss you._)

“Hi.” Lexi says softly, once they’re both quiet and Lexi has composed herself. She tilts herself up ever so slightly, not to reach Rue’s lips but to look her in the face and see the beautiful stretch of her smile.

“Hi.” Rue replies, her smile only growing at the ridiculousness of this situation.

They stare at each other for too long. Or, it feels like it’s too long for Lexi. Sometimes she thinks that if Rue looks into her eyes for long enough than she’ll see all of Lexi’s thoughts and pick apart her secrets like chipping the polish off of someone’s nails after a manicure. It’s uncomfortable, and Lexi can’t help but try to squirm away.

“I should move.” She says, starting to get off the couch and forcing out a half-assed excuse. “Your mom is going to think we’re making out or something.”

“Isn’t that kind of the point of all of this?” Rue asks.

Lexi pauses, because it occurs to her suddenly that Rue is planning to kiss her. Once her brain registers it, she almost can’t breathe. The look on Rue’s face is too much (her eyes are a little wide and so very pretty, cheeks flushed a bit from the laughter), Lexi is sure that it’s permanently burned into her brain. Part of her finds herself hoping that it won’t happen - someway, somehow, the universe will worm her out of this situation - because she’s afraid.

She’s going to like it too much. It feels as if she has her foot hovering over the rabbit hole, ready to plunge down to its very depths. She almost begs the universe to let the moment pass, to not let Rue unknowingly do this to her heart.

Almost.

It’s still Rue trying to kiss her and Lexi is still Lexi, the helpless dumbass who agreed to this plan and who leans forward and (eagerly, though she hates to admit it) meets Rue’s lips.

This isn’t like their first kiss - this time Rue tugs her in by the sleeves of her too-big jacket and drags Lexi into her mouth. Lexi immediately gets the overwhelming taste of mint toothpaste on her tongue.

She shuts her eyes and pictures Rue in front of the mirror back home, bent over the sink with her toothbrush in her hand, scrubbing over each and every tooth with too much care. Lexi can’t help but think this image is cute (Rue’s foamy smile and wink as Lexi passes by to slip in the shower), though she knows she shouldn’t romanticize any of Rue’s compulsions. Sometimes Lexi can’t help it, she just loves the entirety of Rue. The good, the bad, the ugly. Which is why it’s so hard for her to pry herself away when Rue eventually releases the jacket and leans back.

Rue doesn’t really go very far. Far enough for Lexi to miss her, close enough for Lexi to feel Rue’s breath on her face.

“So, um.” Lexi says, stumbling into what is most definitely the beginning of a very stupid sentence.

Except, Rue leans forward again and cuts her off before she can say anything too embarrassing. All of it comes again, the emotion and the warmth and the overly sappy thoughts swirling around Lexi’s head.

And arousal.

Very blatant arousal spreading all around her body and throbbing between her legs, so much so that when Lexi finally hears Ms. Bennett calling them she has to fix her eyes on the floor for a moment of brief shame.

“No sex on my couch.” Rue’s mom tells them, making Lexi’s cheeks burn. (She’s probably blushing as red as a tomato right now).

Lexi continues to hide her face. “Sorry, Ms. Bennett.”

“Sorry, mom.” Rue parrots.

When Lexi does finally raise her head again, Ms. Bennett is in another room and Rue is smiling. Rue looks a little smug, with her hair a bit messy and her lips bright red, but most of all she looks unapologetic for her actions.

“It worked.” Rue half-whispers. “Making out was a good call. See, she totally thinks we’re dating.”

Lexi blinks dumbly at her.

Oh, right. Rue only kissed her like that because she knew her mom would come in and see them. It’s obvious. Why else would they decide to make out in the living room with the front door open? It’s like they were practically begging to get caught.

For a moment, Lexi kind of forgot that all of this was part of Rue’s plan. It felt nice to forget, even for just a moment.

Lexi forces a smile. “Yeah. We’re in the clear.”

Rue smiles back, though hers seems more genuine, and then gets up off the couch to go close the front door. Meanwhile, Lexi stares at the ceiling and wonders what she’s gotten herself into. She’s really screwed herself over this time.

“So, when do you think you’re going to go see your family?” Rue asks shortly after she returns.

Lexi had honestly thought about just staying there for a couple hours. It hasn’t been that long since she saw her family, especially since Cassie doesn’t go to college too far away from Rue and Lexi. She also FaceTimes her mom a lot, so there isn’t really any gaps in communication between them. Still, they are her family and she does have to go see them. She’s also not sure if she can stick around here if Rue is going to randomly kiss her in front of Ms. Bennett again.

“I don’t know.” Lexi shrugs. “Soon, probably. My mom would kill me if she knew I didn’t walk over there.”

“Yeah.” Rue agrees. “An hour tops or you have a death wish.”

Lexi continues. “It’s weird being back in the neighborhood, though.”

Honestly, she had kind of avoided looking out the window the whole ride home. It’s not like Lexi had the worst time here (she’s sure it’s much worse for Rue to revisit old memories), but there’s definitely something about coming back to where she grew up that makes her feel small. The best way to describe it is slowly opening a can of old insecurities and knowing from the first sniff of the can that’s what inside is rotten, but being unable to stop opening it anyways.

Stupid, she knows, but she can’t help but feel that way anyways.

“I know what you mean.” Rue agrees. Lexi watches Rue’s smile fade, just a bit, at the corners of her lips, and immediately decides to pick up the slack and make her smile wider again.

“Alright.” Lexi kicks off one of her shoes and then stretches her leg far enough that her sock-clad toe can bump into Rue’s side. “Go down to the basement and get the cards, we’re playing Uno.”

Rue grins at her (and Lexi is reminded again of how adorable that one crooked tooth Rue has is). “Sure, whatever you want.”

Rue gets up less than a second later and starts to walk down the hall towards the attic, leaving Lexi to get comfortable on the couch.

“You’re such a bottom!” Lexi calls after her loudly, bringing back the dumb teasing they use back at college. She’s probably the most annoying best friend anyone could have, but somehow Rue never does anything more than respond with some lame insult.

“Screw you I-“

“Rue!” Ms. Bennett calls from the kitchen, obviously having heard their exchange. “Language.”

“Sorry, mom.” Rue replies, voice softer and apologetic but still loud enough to be heard across half of the house.

Lexi grabs a pillow off the cushion next to her on the couch and smiles at nothing in particular, thinking about how she’s in love with a total dork.


	3. Lactose Intolerant

An hour and a half later, Lexi is sitting across from Rue with no cards in her hands and watching as Rue has to reluctantly draw four more cards, ending the game. 

“That’s the fifth time in a row.” Rue complains, sighing dejectedly but shuffling her cards into a neat stack so they will be easier to put away. 

Lexi feels a little bad, since Rue’s pout always gets to her (it’s unsurprisingly heartbreaking, because Rue is as cute as a button and her lips are thick enough to make a very convincing pout), but she holds her ground. It’s well-past that hour she promised and her family is probably going to kill her, and it’s not as if she can explain that she didn’t come over because she got roped in by the warmth in Rue’s eyes and her childish pleas. 

Just to make sure she can get out of this house with her heart intact, Lexi forces herself to look away until Rue gives in and draws her bottom lip back into its usual position.

“I’ll miss you.” Rue blurts. Well, maybe blurt isn’t the right word because she says it softly that it seems she’s been thinking about the words for a while. 

They still don’t sit right, because Rue normally isn’t this sweet. She’s rarely mean either, but she chooses to show her love through little things and Lexi knows that. Lexi has gotten used to waking up on the couch with a blanket thrown over her body that she doesn’t remember getting and finding coffee on her nightstands some mornings after Rue has been particularly crabby. 

“I’ll miss you, too.” Lexi hugs Rue around the shoulders, pausing when Rue tucks her chin around Lexi’s arm to hold her there. “I’ll be back in a bit. You know that.”

Lexi gets it now - the separation anxiety. The way they spend almost every minute together has made them grow together, made it hard to breathe without the other being right there. 

Not that she would admit it, but Lexi swears she feels a sort of dull ache in her body whenever Rue isn’t around, but she just figured that was because of her dumb crush. 

Either way, she enjoys this little peaceful moment between them until Rue pops it like a bubble. “Hey babe, wait. Before you leave.”

Lexi knows that she’s going to be kissed just from Rue calling her babe. Part of her mind tells her to side-step away and not let Rue touch her, but this is Rue and Lexi is a pathetic girl who is always dying to kiss her, so she stays put. 

At least Rue is gentle about it this time. There is no tongue, just Rue’s soft lips pressing against hers and Lexi’s heart swimming among the clouds as if she’s reached heaven. She leans into it, even as a voice in the back of her head tells her that this is a bad idea. To taste Rue is to be addicted to Rue, and Lexi definitely doesn’t need any more of that.

That doesn’t stop Lexi from dipping down to rest her hand on the back of Rue’s neck and hold her firmly in place, trying to get as much out of the kiss as possible until Rue eventually pulls away. 

It still doesn’t feel like enough.

Lexi breathes heavily, trying to stay subtle about it as she looks around the room in search of Ms. Bennett. She assumes that Ms. Bennett must have been in the room for Rue to kiss her, but there is no sight of her. Lexi guesses that she had probably come and gone when she saw them kissing again.

“Okay. See you, dummy.” Rue says finally, half-heartedly pushing Lexi away with the cards stacked in one hand.

(Lexi decides to leave before she can think too hard on how long Rue’s fingers are).

“I’m smarter than you.” Lexi calls over her shoulder, only receiving Rue’s middle finger in return. She rolls her eyes, taking that as her cue to go.

As soon as she’s out the door, Lexi takes a few moments to collect herself. She has to inhale and exhale several times, doing it as though the air will wipe the taste of Rue out of her mouth. Her hands are shaky and her heartbeat has become an uncontrollable thing, and she’s not sure that she can go see her family like this - but then again, Lexi isn’t sure about anything in her life right now.

She starts walking.

To be honest, that walk to her house is one of the weirdest things Lexi has done in a while. Not the action itself, but all the memories it brings up. Everywhere Lexi looks is another reminder of her childhood, some of the things good or bad but most of them not great. It’s all embedded in her memory forever. She knows every twist and turn of the streets distantly, like a dream her mind had tried and failed to rid itself of. 

There is the corner where Rue and Lexi ran from Nate Jacobs one Halloween in middle school (cardio had been a lot easier for Rue then, and Lexi remembers how Rue had laughed through the panting as they both doubled over to catch their breaths). Things had been simpler then, maybe because Lexi hadn’t had a full grasp on her feelings yet and therefore hadn’t let them hurt her completely. 

Or maybe it’s because they were twelve and sometime around puberty Lexi decided it would be a good idea to spend almost every waking moment of her life thinking about Rue. 

Either way, Lexi hurries past that corner as soon as she sees it. She is already anyways, there is no time for her to stand around reminiscing. It’s good that her house isn’t that far away, because when she gets there her mom and Cassie are still in a good enough mood that they don’t mention her late appearance.

Cassie is the first one to see her because she always gets to the front door first (Lexi has memories of them racing side by side down the hall, slipping over hardwood floors at the sound of a doorbell or a knock).

“Hey, Lex.” She wraps her arms around Lexi’s narrow shoulders, hugging her so hard that Lexi can’t tell if it’s a sincere hug or a ‘I secretly want to crush you’ sibling-hug. “You shouldn’t have been late. I already ate all the snacks.”

“Of course you did.” Lexi sighs, letting her go. She didn’t expect anything less from Cassie. 

“Did you just indirectly call me fat? I’m telling mom. Mom-“

Lexi clamps a hand over Cassie’s mouth before she can get another word out of her mouth. She tries to wrestle out of Lexi’s hold, but Lexi is just strong enough to hold her and push her back into the living room. Cassie might be older, but she still acts as if she is about four years old. Though Lexi will never say it, that’s the way she likes it. She even kind of missed being able to grab Cassie and wrestle her over the slightest inconvenience. 

It’s nice, in an odd way. Everything is the same here, including the house. The walls are a dull color, every light in every room isn’t as bright as it needs to be. Her mom is sitting in that dip in the middle couch cushion, snuggled in a faded blanket and watching Cruel Intentions on a television that occasionally crackles noisily. There’s also the floors that are just as cold and squeaky as Lexi remembered them, and they groan openly when she gently (okay, semi-roughly) pushes Cassie down onto it.

Lexi is in the middle of making a seat out of Cassie’s back when their mom finally looks over at them, in that dazed, barely-present way she does, and tells them to stop fighting. 

“I’m only getting up because your spine is a terrible cushion.” Lexi grumbles, trying to be quiet enough that only Cassie can hear. 

She’s sure that Cassie protests in some way, but Cassie is still on the floor and Lexi is already moving over to the couch to hug her mother. 

It’s a very different hug than the one Lexi got at the door. First of all, her mom doesn’t borderline try to strangle her and they don’t immediately start wrestling. The hug is loose and it makes Lexi suddenly feel as if she has dunked her head into a vat of cheap wine. Maybe it should be concerning how much Lexi likes the smell. All it brings is memories of her mom being happy and loving, the divorce feeling as if it had somehow dissolved in all of that alcohol. 

“Hey, mom.” Lexi says. 

Her mom smiles, looking genuinely giddy even though she also looks as if she hasn’t left the house in days. “Hi, Lexi.”

An hour later and Lexi is in a grocery store with Cassie, sorting through the different bags of chips in aisle 4. Cassie did actually eat everything in the pantry, so now Lexi has to watch her try and decide between sour cream and onion and ultra, extra cheese supreme. 

“Jesus.” Lexi groans, taking the too-cheesy chips out of Cassie’s hands and setting them back on the shelf. “Get sour cream and onion.” 

“What if I want ultra, extra cheese supreme?”

Lexi bounces on her heels nervously and looks around. She’s hoping to not see anyone she knows here. “Then you’re stupid. You’re lactose intolerant.”

Cassie sighs, sounding annoyed, but takes the sour cream and onion anyways. That’s the last thing they need, so they head up to the cash registers. Lexi just wants to get out of here. There are so many people that return to town over the holidays, so many people that she definitely doesn’t want to run into. If she sees Nate Jacobs’ face then she swears she’s going to run off and leave Cassie to deal with him.

“Stop looking so nervous.” Cassie tells her as they get in line to pay. She’s standing behind a tall, bulky man who makes both of them look unreasonably small.

“I’m not nervous.” Lexi replies and frowns when Cassie makes a face like she doesn’t believe her. 

They move up in line and start putting down their groceries behind the large man’s. He is buying the typical stuff, but also overly sugary cereal and a ton of strawberry body wash that Lexi only recognizes from awhile ago. She saw it in Jules’ bathroom once when she’s gone over there with Rue, and Rue had sat in her shower whining about how amazing Jules apparently smells. 

Lexi remembers it so vividly that she almost thinks she can smell it now. 

“Hey, can I just get by you?” A familiar voice asks from behind her. 

Cassie moves out of the way and so does Lexi, but there’s not a lot of room and she isn’t really paying attention to her actions because she’s caught up in the fact that Jules is right in front of her. Really right there in front of her, actually. Lexi and Jules are practically nose-to-nose, and it doesn’t help that Jules has suddenly stopped moving.

“Lexi?” Jules asks. She seems to have no problem having this conversation so close. It’s this little detail that really makes Lexi sure that it’s Jules, no one else would be so at ease with being this close. 

“Yeah.” She answers awkwardly. “It’s me.”


End file.
